‘I have grown weary of the monotony of life’

Reading Aanis Moin’s suicide note on his 36th death anniversary

*Trigger warning: The following story contains mention of suicide, reader discretion is advised* 

Anjaam ko pohanchoon ga mein anjaam se pehle

Khud meri kahani bhi sunaaye ga koi aur

(I will reach the end before the end

Someone else will tell too my own legend)

A sensitive soul, Aanis Moin was born in Lahore on Nov 29, 1960. Coming from a deeply religious family, he had developed a keen interest in sufism and it did not seem likely that he could commit suicide. But a sufi friend of his once commented that the life after this life was so beautiful that if the people knew about it, half the population of the world would commit suicide.

Yet another theory suggests that Moin wanted to marry a colleague, but his family disapproved of it. Also, a fraud was committed at the bank where he worked and being the in-charge of the bank, he felt it was his responsibility to prevent it. This led to his suicide on February 5, 1985, 36 years ago today in Multan, when he threw himself before a train. He was only 27.

A lot has been written and published on the accident of Moin’s death. Where some literary critics have called him the Aristotle, Keats, Shakespeare and Socrates of the modern period, at the same time some gentlemen have deemed him similar to Mustafa Zaidi and Shakeb Jalali.

Some literary critics perceive both the poetics of Mir and the depth and grasp of Ghalib in the poetry of Moin. Everyone from Josh and Faiz to Ahmad Nadeem Qasmi, Anwar Sadeed and Wazir Agha has praised Moin’s thought and art. Some prominent writers have been taken aback by his tone. The depth, grasp and singularity of tone in his verses is not seen in the poetry of such young poets.

Picture source: rekhta.org

The writer of merely 150 to 200 ghazals and a few poems, Aaanis Moin committed suicide in order to read the final page of the book of life at the age of just 27. To the writers, critics, poets and readers of our younger generations, this great artist is practically unknown. So his last letter, nay suicide note, is being presented here in its original English translation. Every word of this note is sunk in emotions. One does not know if this was just an emotional decision or the reason was something else. Whether it was ignorance or intelligence which killed him; however the suicide note is a masterpiece in its own right:

Dearer than life mother

and dear father

May God always keep you safe and happy.

There is no other reason for this act of mine except that I have grown weary of the monotony of life. Whichever page of the book of life I turn, the same writing is seen upon it, which I have read on the previous page. Therefore leaving pages in a large quantity, I have decided to read that writing, which is written on the last page.

I neither have a complaint from members of the family nor from office or strangers. But people have very much loved me so much that I was not even deserving of that.

If people have very much committed excesses with me or someone owes me anything then I forgive that. May God forgive my excesses and sins too.

And at the end a special thing, that at the moment of death I have nothing to give for the way of God. So I donate my eyes to the eye bank. If these eyes are set into some deserving person after me then there is hope of attaining real peace for my soul.

I will be needing your prayers more than before after dying, though there is no need to spend money on unnecessary rituals.

I have deposited some money with Amna for this very purpose so they can be used on this occasion.     

Your incompetent son

 Aanis Moin

Aslam Khan Building Multan

4/2/86

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Raza Naeem is a Pakistani social scientist, book critic and award-winning translator and dramatic reader based in Lahore, where he is also the president of the Progressive Writers Association. He is currently working on a book, ‘Sahir Ludhianvi’s Lahore, Lahore’s Sahir Ludhianvi’, forthcoming in 2021. He can be reached through email at [email protected].