Q: Do you want to go to the museum on Saturday?
A: Sure!
Q: Can you finish this project by tomorrow?
A: Yes!
Q: Isn’t this music great?
A: It is!
I was not sure why I responded the way I did to each of these questions. I am not fond of museums. I had two other projects due that week and had no time to add on anything else. Plus the music I was listening to gave me a headache. I responded this way because I am a people pleaser. Afraid of a negative response if I say no or contradict, I agree to everything in order to avoid rocking the boat at all cost. Can you relate to this? I have been a people pleaser practically since I can remember. At first glance, it may seem nice to be a pleaser of people. The person who always says yes. The person everyone I can count on. Who would not want to be friends with this easy to be around sidekick?
I have been reflecting quite a bit lately on my behaviour as a pleaser of people, and where it has gotten me thus far in my life. The conclusion has been a painful but welcome slap in the face, living my life to make others happy has held me back in ways that continue to march across my mind. The result has been something surprising to me, I am angry. So I am writing to all the people pleasers out there, ready to clean up the mess and keep the others happy and humming along. Please know, it is not your fault, the behaviour was likely conditioned into you at a young age.
As we enter the New Year, all of us make resolutions for ourselves. I do the same and the resolve right up there on my list is stop being a people pleaser and consequently being kind to myself and be my authentic self. The desire for approval, appreciation and acceptance by others is a normal part of being human. This brings me to the very definition of people pleasers, if it is a good thing and what differentiates them from being merely ‘nice’. They are people like me who have a tendency to do anything possible in order to avoid conflict. Their worth depends on how others see them and need validation from others to feel good about themselves. While the desire to be liked is normal, feeling that it is necessary that everyone likes you and experiencing anxiety and stress when they do not is not. The symptoms checklist of being a people pleaser are if you have a difficult time saying ‘no’, are preoccupied with what other people might think ; feel guilty when you do tell people ‘no’, fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish, agree to things you do not like or do things you do not want to do, want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval, are always telling people you are sorry, take the blame even when something is not your fault, never have any free time because you are always doing things for other people, neglect your own needs in order to do things for others and pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently.
I have come to realize at this juncture in my mid life that I shall become much happier when I stop pleasing people. In order to put a stop to this lifelong habit, I need to learn how to say ‘no’ to people and situations that I know are bad for my well being. With every ‘no’ spoken, it shall become easier to be assertive and prioritize one’s happiness.
Generally, people pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem. However, I am an exception because I am neither insecure nor do I have a low self esteem. My people pleasing habit is rooted in seeking perfectionism and altruism. Sometimes people like myself want everything to be ‘just so perfect’, including how other people think and feel. The motivation to help others can sometimes be a form of altruism. A person might genuinely want to make sure that other people have the help that they need. In other cases, people-pleasing can be a way to feel validated or liked. By making sure that people are happy, they feel as if they are useful and valued. According to Dr. Susan Newman, people pleasers, like myself, want everyone around them to be happy and will do whatever it takes to keep them that way. This is different from having a pleasing personality which is one that believes in helping and valuing others.
An excessive desire to be liked can stem from a lot of different issues. Perhaps you experience a little social anxiety and you worry that others are judging you harshly. So in an effort to reduce your anxiety, you go a little overboard trying to be liked. People-pleasing involves putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. They tend to be good at tuning into what others are feeling and are also generally empathetic, thoughtful and caring. These positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, need to take control or a tendency to overachieve. Whereas, people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted. People may not even realize they are taking advantage of you. All they know is that you are always willing to lend a hand, so they have no doubt that you shall show up whenever you are needed. What they may not see is how thin you are stretched and how overcommitted you might be.
While people might describe me as a giver or generous person, as a people-pleaser, all of this work to keep others happy leaves me feeling emotionally and physically depleted, stressed and anxious. Therefore , my New Year resolution is to put a stop to pleasing others by putting my own well-being on the back burner and ensuring that I take care of my own needs first and foremost. It is pertinent to ‘have’ to be able to ‘give’. Just as in air travel, the instructions are to put on your own oxygen mask in case of any untoward turbulence and then proceed to help people around you. People-pleasing involves putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. My action plan entails the following few ways to start a shifting from being a ‘people pleaser’ to doing things for myself:
- Start to see myself as an ink blot. The hard truth is that not everyone is going to like me.
- Be true to myself instead of trying to fit in.
- Disapproval is normal.
- Untangle my worth from the ‘likes’ on social media.
- Just do it – for myself!
- Ask myself: what can I still do if I am not liked?
- I shall start small with baby steps like setting healthy boundaries, learning to be assertive etc.
People-pleasing is not necessarily a bad thing as helping other people can actually have a number of mental health benefits. Being a concerned and caring person is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones. However, strong, healthy relationships involve a certain degree of reciprocity. If one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it often means that one person is forgoing things that they need to ensure that the other person has what they want. Even if one enjoys pleasing others, it is important to remember that they should also be taking steps to give to themselves in return. I do not need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to my strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine my motivations and intentions. I will not do things only because I fear rejection or want the approval of others. I shall keep doing good things, but on my own terms. Kindness does not demand attention or rewards; it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person. If being a people-pleaser is making it difficult to pursue my own happiness, it is important to find ways to set boundaries and take back my time. Remind myself that I cannot please everyone. Not everyone will be pleased, but it will be a much more pleasing life. It is time to start living for myself.
