A woman took to TikTok this week to detail how she was called “abrasive” in an unsettling interaction at work. According to a report in Yahoo, Katrina Palanca requested her colleague – a man – to complete an unfinished task at work. She used a “matter of fact” tone that was the “equivalent of not putting exclamation points in an email”. Following the interaction, Palanca’s boss came to see her and said that her co-worker used the word “abrasive” to define her attitude – a matter that left her perturbed. Upon research, Palanca found that study by linguist Kieran Snyder revealed that the word, which means harsh, or is used for someone who doesn’t show concern for others, is used for women, not men. Snyder assessed 248 performance reviews from 28 small and large companies and found that the word appeared 17 times for 13 women and over all such personality related words were used to critique women at work as opposed to men.
Likening certain preferable behaviours at work with women, particularly traits like softness and amenability, is not an uncommon occurrence. Equating women with what society considers more ‘feminine’ traits like being emotional or kind, often comes in the way of women in professional setups. What Palanca and many other women experience in professional capacities, is tone policing.
In fact, numerous studies have been conducted over how women are perceived at work versus men. As an example, an economist, Martin Abel uncovered that staff was more likely to react negatively if they knew that their performance review was coming from women instead of men. The critical reactions inadvertently made women less enthusiastic to pursue leadership roles at work.
And, if one can’t resonate with the studies on the subject, there is always that quintessential meme comparing ‘talented, assertive, leadership oriented’ male bosses to ‘loud, demanding, bossy’ women at work, which elaborates on the phenomenon of tone policing with a funny bone.
To elaborate this further, let’s take a step back a few years when Tennis superstar Serena Williams lost a game on court after a row with umpire Carlos Ramos. In a heated match with her contender Naomi Osaka, Williams was given an odd penalty by Ramos and after losing the next exchange, she smacked her racket on the floor and broke it. What would typically be dealt with a warning, cost a point to Williams, who proceeded to call Ramos ‘a thief’ for costing her the game. The altercation was condemned by and large, with William ostracized for not keeping her emotions in check, but several also pointed out that male sports figures had shown riled up emotions on numerous occasions but escaped the public’s wrath scot-free.
What Williams has in common with other women who face greater setbacks at work in the Western world, is her race. According to Forbes magazine, Black women are more likely to be painted with the stereotype of an angry, ill-tempered and overbearing woman at work.
The idea of Black women being at a greater disadvantage finds inklings of reflections in the lives of other women of color, particularly in South Asia, and in our case, Pakistan. With the International Women’s Day coming up on March 8, the Aurat March will take to the streets with the society out with its overly scrutinous lens, micro-analysing every banner and placard held by women asking for basic human rights. Every year like clockwork, people detract from the essence of the message to focus on the infamous ‘but’, which goes something like: “We stand for women’s rights, but we don’t agree with the way women are raising awareness.” Often, ‘the way’ refers to them being out in the open, loud and unapologetic in claiming space amidst onlookers who are mostly discomfited men and those who are used to brazenly walking through the same space and stifling it for women every other day of the year.
Tone policing will once again take force next week. In fact, it has already begun with a notable cleric having appeared on a local TV channel this week, declaring support for women’s rights but not the way in which Aurat March approaches it. His views as an influential in society are bound to trickle down, seeping deep and entrenching the roots of patriarchy even further.
But as daring and visionary women, gender minorities and their allies gear up to fill the streets, it is pertinent to know that the menace of tone policing runs generations back. It is deeply rooted in our ‘culture’ and what is required to not end up being tone policed, is actually taught as a virtue to girls growing up across the country. Many of us, even with the most ‘progressive’ of parents by society’s standards, are taught to be smart but with humility that doesn’t irk a man’s sensibilities, particularly that of our future husband. We are taught to be strong but know in our hearts that the male figures in our lives are our protectors. The same way, we are taught to stand our ground and be assertive but do so with a smile, so as to not come across as ‘abrasive’.
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