I am often asked about whether or not someone should offer their partner, friend, family member or adult child advice. My response is always the same: “Have they asked you for advice?” Of course, their answer is always ‘no’. If they had been asked to give advice, they would not be asking me if they should offer it.
Unsolicited advice is one of those facts of life that most of us do not like but are forced to accept. To begin, what kind of person tends to give unsolicited advice? Personalities who are known colloquially as ‘alpha’ personalities are the most frequent advice-givers. A person who habitually gives unsolicited advice is often called a ‘know-it-all’. These people obviously care but they do not realize that offering unsolicited advice is rarely experienced as caring. Instead, it is often experienced as invasive because the agenda is to get the other person to change rather than trying to understand why they are making the choices they are making.
Though it is usually not the intended outcome of giving unsolicited advice, many of us who receive it end up feeling stressed, offended or simply annoyed by unwanted suggestions. People who routinely give unwanted advice can be well meaning and genuinely want to help. It is important to take that possibility for whatever it is, as there truly may not be more to someone’s intention than that. However, it is also likely, particularly if someone engages in this behaviour compulsively, that they are driven to do so by a need for emotional validation. In terms of their thinking style, unsolicited advice-givers tend to be cognitively rigid. They typically believe that they are right, and when they approach a problem, they often have difficulty seeing the situation from multiple perspectives. They can be absolutist in their thinking, perceiving things in an all-or-nothing, black-or-white way. People with a high tendency to seek power are more likely to give unwarranted advice. In terms of their personality types, unsolicited advice givers tend to be grandiose, believing that they are more intelligent, special or sensible than others. These men and women tend to operate in daily life with the mindset that the world would run much more smoothly if only they could make all the decisions.
Often it can feel like criticism more than support when someone who is not even your immediate family offers their take on what one could be doing better. The stress can be compounded if the advice giver takes offence if their advice is not followed. When the advice does not feel right to us, this can put one in a difficult situation and create frustration and resentment on both sides. What is lacking with this perspective is that it lacks humility and insight. As bright, competent and well-intentioned these advisers are, one would expect that they had learnt a fact of life a long time back; we must all make certain mistakes ourselves in order to learn from them and change our behaviour later. People who give unsolicited advice do so not because they necessarily care about the receiving audience but because giving advice gives them a sense of control and order. The advice-giver has a problem-solving orientation which can be beneficial when applied to their own life, but often intrusive when applied to others’ lives. Oftentimes, our need to thrust ‘advice’ on others stems less from trying to help these people and more from wanting control of what’s happening around us. The advice givers have a problem solving orientation which can be beneficial when applied to their own lives but often intrusive when it comes to other people’s lives. Setting a boundary in this regard, if you feel you need one, is perfectly reasonable and something that can bring one increased emotional security.
Responding to unsolicited advice can be a bit of an art form. It is a catch-22 situation because if one comes across as semi-interested, one may open the door to more advice. On the other hand, if one shuts the person down too aggressively, one can damage the relationship with them. Before you decide on how to respond to unwanted advice, consider the source and your relationship with that person. If it is a stranger you shall never see again, offer a polite response and move on. If it is a co-worker who offers unwanted advice every day, you will need to set some firm limits. There may be times when you need to distance yourself from people who insist on handing out pearls of unsolicited wisdom. If your words do not seem to send a strong enough message, you may need to limit your contact with such people. However, be sure that you do not reject all the advice you hear. Just because you were not looking for help does not mean someone’s suggestions are not useful. You may want to put yourself in the shoes of such a near and dear one who is doling out advice. It can be challenging to watch someone you love killing themselves with alcohol, drugs, or junk food or to watch them losing their job or their relationship due to their anger and various ways. If watching someone self-destruct is too painful for us, then we might need to create some distance from that person. We do not have the choice to make them change, no matter how much we care about them, but we do have the choice to be around them or not. Then, when the bad things you knew could happen, unfortunately occur, that is when you can provide a shoulder to comfort and offer whatever support you can without using the expression, “I told you so!”. At the same time as we help them grieve, so, too, continue to comfort yourself through your grief by again reminding yourself of your powerlessness over others and the outcomes of their decisions. I would suggest these four responses structured in a manner that do not give away your personal power and assertiveness.
- “I shall think about that.”
Even if one does not actually plan to think about it, this is a polite way to respond.
- “Good idea. I will consider if that is right for me.”
Whether it is one’s mother-in-law weighing in on our parenting strategies or a friend commenting on our eating habits, make it clear that there is not a one-size-fits-all scenario.
- “That is an interesting opinion, but I prefer to do it this way.”
This works well when someone is standing over you expecting you to make an immediate change. If you have no plans to change, just come right out and say so.
- “That is not actually in line with my values.”
If someone tells you to do something you do not believe in, make it clear that the advice goes against your values. Say something like, “Yes, I could make money by operating my business on religious holidays, but that goes against my values.”
Generally speaking, we as adults are not first graders who come when called. Adults have spent enough years listening to teachers preach in front of the classroom, or being subjected to parents who control so much of a child’s life. In other words, most men and women reach a point where they tire of listening to others tell them what to do, and they would rather make a mistake and suffer the consequences than comply like a dutiful child in response to advice, even if the advice would actually lead to a better result. Even if we might love the person we are trying to advise, our desire to advise without being asked is a means of stripping them of their power and pulling them further away from their deep inner self that likely already knows what the right thing to do is. We adults get irritated by unwanted advice on what and how to approach situations, that we would rather commit a blunder and suffer the consequences. What comes to mind is Swiss philosopher Rousseau’s famous quote from ‘The Social Contract’: “Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains.”
It is precisely these chains that make men and women reject unsolicited advice. So to all such advice givers offering their opinion, when it has not been asked for, you should refrain from doing so before you’re simply told, “Thanks but no thanks!”
