My journey from first love to anxiety and healing

I come from a respectable family background. Around 10 years ago, when I was only 14 years old, I fell in love

I come from a respectable family background. Around 10 years ago, when I was only 14 years old, I fell in love with a boy. Throughout my life, I have always been a modest girl who understands the boundaries of Islam, and my love for him was pure.

Unfortunately, due to certain reasons, things did not work out and we parted ways.

After that, I went through a very difficult phase in my life. To keep it short, by the mercy of Allah, after about 5–6 years, I finally healed from my past trauma.

Over the years, I noticed major changes in myself. I became a better, kinder person and much closer to Allah (SWT). However, at the same time, I also became extremely sensitive. I no longer miss that person, nor do I have any feelings for him anymore.

But that experience affected me in a way that I now struggle to interact with people. I feel like I have lost my confidence. I get nervous around new people, my hands start shaking, and my heartbeat becomes very fast without any clear reason.

Of course, one reason could be that I have always been an introvert and spent most of my life at home. But I still do not fully understand what is causing this. Was it my past love experience, or is it because I stayed isolated for so long? I feel both factors have made me emotionally weak.

Every night during Tahajjud, I cry and ask Allah why I am being tested in this way and why I have become so weak.

Now it has been 10 years since that experience. Alhamdulillah, I have entered my professional life and I have a job now.

At my workplace, I met a guy who became a very good friend. Perhaps deep down, we both like each other. He is very supportive, caring, protective, and always there when I need help or encouragement. Our intention is marriage.

One day, he even introduced me to his family. When I visited his home and met them, I suddenly became extremely anxious. When they offered me a glass of water, my hands were shaking so badly that I could barely hold it.

Even at work, I often become nervous over small things. Because of this, he frequently asks me why I always seem so worried.

Whenever he asks, I usually smile and avoid the question. But deep inside, it hurts me. It makes me feel that I have become so weak that others can clearly notice it.

Sometimes I feel like telling him everything about my past. I want to explain why I am so nervous, fearful, and anxious all the time.

However, then I remember the advice my female best friend once gave me: “Never tell a man about your past, no matter how supportive or loving he is, because in the end a woman only ends up hearing taunts.”

I cannot tell him everything because I am afraid he might think I still have feelings for that person. I worry that he may believe I have not fully moved on and, because of that, he may lose interest in marrying me.

I swear to Allah (SWT) that I do not have any feelings for my past lover anymore. I have completely moved on.

However, the continuous anxiety, trembling hands, and visible fear are things I have never shared with anyone except my best friend. Not even my family knows about this struggle.

But whenever I go through the hardest moments of my life, I feel a strong urge to tell my office friend everything and explain why I am the way I am.

Please guide me. Should I tell him the reason behind my anxiety and behavior, or should I stay silent and keep everything inside?

Solutions; Atif Kazmi 

Allah (SWT) clearly mentions in the Quran that He forgives all sins, no matter what, except shirk.

Divide life into three aspects:

Passion: Your hobby. You should keep yourself busy doing something that brings you joy and peace.

Profession: Earning money, which you are already doing.

Purpose: We have only one true purpose, and that is to serve the universe. This is where we often fall short. Do everything in your life with the intention of serving others, not just for yourself. And in return, the universe will start serving you.

Once you truly realize this, all anxiety will disappear.

Rana Rajab 

Whenever you feel weak or overwhelmed, recite ‘Lā ḥawla wa lā quwwata illā billāh’ (لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِاللَّهِ). Insha’Allah, it will renew your strength, uplift your spirit, and help you face every challenge with courage.

Aisha Ishrat 

At the age of 14, it is not really love. It is just attraction towards the opposite gender. In my opinion, this often happens when the bond between parents and children is not strong or trustworthy, and children start seeking attention outside the home.

You should talk to someone trustworthy in your family and seek support. Do not share your personal matters with outsiders. Keep in mind that girls need to be very strong when they step outside. Girls who are nervous, anxious, and have shaking hands can easily become targets in a male-dominated society like Pakistan.

May you gain strength and find the right partner.

The story is taken from DHA Ladies official group from Facebook and has more than 143k followers.